life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
