She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's blow job season.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
