so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
