she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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