hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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