She tied me up with her honor cords...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
