I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Its about making memories worth repressing
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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