I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
