Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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