Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you had me at cake vodka
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
