I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
