He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
