Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
