margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
