TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
