i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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