just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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