So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
