fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
