Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
