I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
