I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
