just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
