Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
