his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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