Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
