It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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