saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
