Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
