the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
