he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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