I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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