if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
