I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
