Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Text me some of your sweat
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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