plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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