You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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