The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
