I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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