The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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