i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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