I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
