My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
