he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
