I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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