why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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