Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
