Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
