if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
