Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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