the condom got lost in my hair
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
