Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
